Freeze in Awakening

“But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” - Hebrew 10:39

How could I have ever thought of myself being a 30 year-old today, single, unkempt, renting, with a mediocre career, still wearing T-shirts from the days in college (undergraduate mind you), and be up late at night writing about some hurting passion that has no worth in this world? Today most of my friends have either married or become parents, if they haven’t had their second babies or purchased their second home. The world is moving on, my stage of youth is now a history, my younger brother Ed had just bought a home and my parents are now ever-aging. Am I falling off the wagon, losing out on the opportunity, blindsided by my idealism, or just plain stupid? I am not sure why I never felt strong enough to cling on to the train of life, or for that matter when I tried something else would pull me out of the track. Nonetheless deep down the heart constantly battles after treasures in this life or the next, it yearns for something real, cries after loneliness, and prays to be lifted off to a better place. The war begins every morning as I lay awake in bed; it never fails to hear the voice of condemnation. I will choose to look after your sheep Jesus, to look after your sheep, and after I have done all I can, to look after your sheep. But where is my place in this world? When I look back in my last dying breath will everything finally makes sense, or are you going to present yourself larger than a gentle nudge?

Show me a true heart that knows no fear Lord.

Where Angels Fear to Thread

You spread out the skies over empty space
Said, "Let there be light"
to a dark and formless world Your light was born

You spread out Your arms over empty hearts
Said, "Let there be light"
to a dark and hopeless world Your Son was born

You made the world and saw that it was good
You sent Your only Son, for You are good

What a wonderful Maker
What a wonderful Saviour
How majestic Your whispers
And how humble Your love
With a strength like no other
and the heart of a Father
How majestic Your whispers
What a wonderul God

No eye has fully seen how beautiful the cross
And we have only heard the faintest
whispers of how great You are

- written by Matt Redman

No Ambivalence

This weekend was quite filled up with activities, beginning from Friday night until Sunday afternoon, and the fun at last peaked out on the church anniversary picnic at the Lake Sammamish State Park. It did not feel that way at all, however, as tension was rising up from all walks of my life.

On Saturday I had the chance to share to a friend about my feeling toward a person I've gradually come to like alot in a recent past, after he'd first shared with me of his new dating life. The fact that things are going well with him has really confirmed his resolve to wait for a strong clearence from God first, as he patiently prayed for half a year before making a move for the next step. Testing the will of God is never easy, because so often the process becomes a testing of my faith, believing that God ultimately works for my favor as his dear son. I'm praying like crazy that I will not let my heart be pulling the strings again because I have GOT to be with someone who has the passion for Jesus like nothing else matters. Chrisitan relationship without believing hearfelt what your life is about will give you nothing but raw deal.

Praying like crazy too for my new small group that I'll be leading, as our current group is multiplying and the meeting will start in less than 2 weeks. It just feels so heavy to be in this position, as I'm just now understanding how James had felt and shared with me in the past. I can't do this on my own at all, thinking about taking control of the next multiplication roadmap just drive me insane. The enemy keeps playing tricks to my inadequacy, and I can't help but feeling self-conscious all the time.

I was honestly feeling down that the dev manager never returned my email, wondering whether I should even prepare for the interview at all. On Friday I've downloaded pages of MS interview questions, and just tonight I've attempted to labor through a few of them on algorithms and coding. Hugh ego blow I must say. But in the back of my mind I'm now starting to press in on God, asking him to give me more strength and more wisdom, knowing that I plan to seize any chance to get my footstep in there, reaching out for more people to your house. Asking for more time, asking for more grace...

I am soooo motivated to do your work Jesus, even with the tension rising all around. But take away the fear from me Lord, because it is high time to make the next bold move.

Remembering Billie Holiday

Duke Ellington/Eddie Delange/Irving Mills

In my solitude You haunt me With reveries Of days gone by
In my solitude You taunt me With memories That never die
I sit in my chair And filled with despair
There's no one could be so sad
With gloom everywhere
I sit and I stare I know that I'll soon go mad
In my solitude I'm praying Dear Lord above Send me back my love