No Ambivalence

This weekend was quite filled up with activities, beginning from Friday night until Sunday afternoon, and the fun at last peaked out on the church anniversary picnic at the Lake Sammamish State Park. It did not feel that way at all, however, as tension was rising up from all walks of my life.

On Saturday I had the chance to share to a friend about my feeling toward a person I've gradually come to like alot in a recent past, after he'd first shared with me of his new dating life. The fact that things are going well with him has really confirmed his resolve to wait for a strong clearence from God first, as he patiently prayed for half a year before making a move for the next step. Testing the will of God is never easy, because so often the process becomes a testing of my faith, believing that God ultimately works for my favor as his dear son. I'm praying like crazy that I will not let my heart be pulling the strings again because I have GOT to be with someone who has the passion for Jesus like nothing else matters. Chrisitan relationship without believing hearfelt what your life is about will give you nothing but raw deal.

Praying like crazy too for my new small group that I'll be leading, as our current group is multiplying and the meeting will start in less than 2 weeks. It just feels so heavy to be in this position, as I'm just now understanding how James had felt and shared with me in the past. I can't do this on my own at all, thinking about taking control of the next multiplication roadmap just drive me insane. The enemy keeps playing tricks to my inadequacy, and I can't help but feeling self-conscious all the time.

I was honestly feeling down that the dev manager never returned my email, wondering whether I should even prepare for the interview at all. On Friday I've downloaded pages of MS interview questions, and just tonight I've attempted to labor through a few of them on algorithms and coding. Hugh ego blow I must say. But in the back of my mind I'm now starting to press in on God, asking him to give me more strength and more wisdom, knowing that I plan to seize any chance to get my footstep in there, reaching out for more people to your house. Asking for more time, asking for more grace...

I am soooo motivated to do your work Jesus, even with the tension rising all around. But take away the fear from me Lord, because it is high time to make the next bold move.